joke thread

[Wayne]

An elderly man outside Dubbo had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large billabong in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up...nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the billabong, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a 10 litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the billabong, he heard voices shouting and laughing.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his billabong.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said: "I'm here to feed the crocodile..."

Some old men can still think fast. :)

[andyfromoz]

Q: what does bjork do when she's horny?
A: she watches pjorn.

[bhd]

Q: What's the difference between White girls and Black girls?

A: When they ask you "Does this make my ass look big?"
White girl - You say " Of course not, darling"
Black girl - You say " Hell fucken yeah "

[naturalism]

Q What do you call a man with a bird on his nose
A Cliff

[Wayne]

Or a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lily.
I used that line once to a so-named working girl. She fell off the bed laughing.

[CommanderM]

Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

A: A cherry float.

[CommanderM]

Q: What do you get when you cross a WL with a systems engineer?
A: A fuckin know-it-all!

[CommanderM]

Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?
A: Tug-of-whore.

[CommanderM]

and my favorite that have people laughing everywhere on the CityRail train:

Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

[rooter]

Here is my favourite feminist joke ...
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. It depends how thinly you slice them!

[CommanderM]

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

[CommanderM]

Q: What's the difference between a tyre and 365 condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear and the other is a fucking good year!

what a way to burn rubber eh? hahahahaha

[CommanderM]

Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."

[CommanderM]

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

[rooter]

Here's one for Ahlungor ...
Q. How do you make 2kg of fat look good?
A. Put a nipple on it!

[kickass]

Longest Nerve In The Body

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life!!!

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

[wilisno]

Longest Nerve In The Body

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life!!!

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
Haha, that's a good one !

[kickass]

Aussie Pick Up Line

A bloke was standing at a bar when a beautiful woman walks up beside him.

So he leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe".

She replies, "What? You mean I'm small and cute?"

"No", he says, "I mean I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."

[wilisno]

Aussie Pick Up Line

A bloke was standing at a bar when a beautiful woman walks up beside him.

So he leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe".

She replies, "What? You mean I'm small and cute?"

"No", he says, "I mean I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."

On top of a black and blue little toe, you might be given a black eye to go with it too ! :miao:

[silentholler]

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."


Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut?
A: Don´t talk to the guy in the middle, he´s a dick.


You think 7 years for a mirror is bad? Try breaking a condom.

[silentholler]

In Too Far

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

[IExperiment]

Well there is many that me laugh thank Gents :)

[numberonebigsize]

A Rodney Rude classic!!!!! Man goes to a Brothel. While he is pumping she starts foaming at the mouth. He calls down to the desk--''mate do something,me roots foaming at the mouth''. The manager turns around and yells '' hey Charlie phone up the morgue and get another stiff over here, THIS ONES FULL!!!!!

[CunningLinguist]

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

[CunningLinguist]

When it comes to chicken I'm a leg man, but when it comes to chicks I'm a breast man ...

[Oneonone]

BLOND DYES HER HAIR BROWN.

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?”

The Shepherd, always the gentleman replied, “Of course.”

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, “352.”

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed “your right! O.K., I’ll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock.”

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, “ O.K., now I have a proposition for you! If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?

[Oneonone]

Man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from the buck's party that I scXXwed on the pool table with all my mates watching while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[CunningLinguist]

Man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from the buck's party that I scXXwed on the pool table with all my mates watching while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

:) :)