cmk76
08-08-2013, 12:56 PM
Blog of dating site, China Love Match.. http://blog.chinalovematch.net/blog/article/The-Trouble-with-Marrying-a-Foreigner
The Trouble with Marrying a Foreigner
By Peter Vernezze
Good things come in threes. Or is it bad things? In either case, when I hear the exact same charge about foreign men repeated three times from completely separate sources in the course of one week, I figure that is worth a report.
It started with a letter I received from out of the blue. For about a year I wrote an advice column for a Chinese English language paper. The nature of the column concerned relationships between foreign men and Chinese women. The paper stopped publishing a while back, but someone must have gotten a hold of an old copy because I received a letter from a Chinese woman asking for advice about how to meet foreign men. In the letter, she reported that her friends had warned her that foreign men will leave a relationship, even a marriage, when they no longer feel an emotional attachment, and she asked me if this was in fact true. Before answering, I showed the letter to my Chinese teacher, in large part because the letter was written in Chinese and I wanted to make sure I understood it correctly. After inquiring whether I had the woman’s concern right, that foreign men will leave a relationship when they stop feeling passionate, I followed up with whether my teacher, herself an attractive Chinese woman in search of a husband (though not necessarily a foreign one), believed this to be the case. Yes, she sheepishly replied. What about all her friends? They, too, subscribed to this theory.
But I still did not think I had anything worth writing about until the lesson on Chinese Pod. I have written about this podcast several times. It is not only the best Chinese language learning podcast available, but it invariably offers a wealth of information about Chinese culture. The intermediate level lesson last week was titled “The Trouble with Marrying a Foreigner.” In it, a Chinese mother expresses her concerns about her daughter’s relationship with a foreign man. Her worries involve a number of cross cultural issues such as diet, language and, most importantly, the following:
我听说外国人不负责任，没有激情了就要离婚
wǒ tīngshuō wàiguórén bù fù zérèn, méiyǒu jīqíng le jiù yào líhūn.
I've heard that foreigners aren't trustworthy. If they don't feel passion, then they'll get divorced
There it is. The thought that is on many Chinese woman’s mind (and all of their mothers’) as she considers your latest email or mulls over the conversation of your last video chat. Now that you know it, the question is, how do you respond?
There are obviously three options. You can either deny it is true as applied to foreign men, admit it is true for most Westerners but not does not apply to you, or admit it is in fact true of you and all (most) Westerners. Although the final option might seem suicidal, it is the one I would suggest in no small part because I think is true. But let me suggest why this alleged negative trait is actually a positive.
In short, the desire to keep a marriage passionate is something Western men should embrace, not apologize for. By itself, it does not mean that one is more likely to leave a marriage. What it does mean is that for Western men, marriage is not like docking a ship where you can park it or forget it but it is more like setting sail on an adventure where you have to keep aware and alert to the circumstances the whole time. This is something Chinese women who are dating Western men should appreciate, because it means they will not be neglected nor taken for granted.
But this should not imply that the Western husband will be more likely to leave a marriage. Indeed, the evidence that foreign men, especially American men do not leave a marriage easily is the large number of marriage counselors in America. If men left a marriage as soon as passion faded, the profession would have no reason to exist. Yet it is thriving. Quite simply, Western men know it is a lot easier to work on a current relationship then it is to start a new one, just like it is usually better to fix an old car than to buy a new one. Plus we are a little bit lazy. If a woman does not give us reason to leave, we more than likely won’t.
So in the end I think there is quite a bit to admire about our passion and nothing to fear. The hard part, though, will be convincing her mother.
The Trouble with Marrying a Foreigner
By Peter Vernezze
Good things come in threes. Or is it bad things? In either case, when I hear the exact same charge about foreign men repeated three times from completely separate sources in the course of one week, I figure that is worth a report.
It started with a letter I received from out of the blue. For about a year I wrote an advice column for a Chinese English language paper. The nature of the column concerned relationships between foreign men and Chinese women. The paper stopped publishing a while back, but someone must have gotten a hold of an old copy because I received a letter from a Chinese woman asking for advice about how to meet foreign men. In the letter, she reported that her friends had warned her that foreign men will leave a relationship, even a marriage, when they no longer feel an emotional attachment, and she asked me if this was in fact true. Before answering, I showed the letter to my Chinese teacher, in large part because the letter was written in Chinese and I wanted to make sure I understood it correctly. After inquiring whether I had the woman’s concern right, that foreign men will leave a relationship when they stop feeling passionate, I followed up with whether my teacher, herself an attractive Chinese woman in search of a husband (though not necessarily a foreign one), believed this to be the case. Yes, she sheepishly replied. What about all her friends? They, too, subscribed to this theory.
But I still did not think I had anything worth writing about until the lesson on Chinese Pod. I have written about this podcast several times. It is not only the best Chinese language learning podcast available, but it invariably offers a wealth of information about Chinese culture. The intermediate level lesson last week was titled “The Trouble with Marrying a Foreigner.” In it, a Chinese mother expresses her concerns about her daughter’s relationship with a foreign man. Her worries involve a number of cross cultural issues such as diet, language and, most importantly, the following:
我听说外国人不负责任，没有激情了就要离婚
wǒ tīngshuō wàiguórén bù fù zérèn, méiyǒu jīqíng le jiù yào líhūn.
I've heard that foreigners aren't trustworthy. If they don't feel passion, then they'll get divorced
There it is. The thought that is on many Chinese woman’s mind (and all of their mothers’) as she considers your latest email or mulls over the conversation of your last video chat. Now that you know it, the question is, how do you respond?
There are obviously three options. You can either deny it is true as applied to foreign men, admit it is true for most Westerners but not does not apply to you, or admit it is in fact true of you and all (most) Westerners. Although the final option might seem suicidal, it is the one I would suggest in no small part because I think is true. But let me suggest why this alleged negative trait is actually a positive.
In short, the desire to keep a marriage passionate is something Western men should embrace, not apologize for. By itself, it does not mean that one is more likely to leave a marriage. What it does mean is that for Western men, marriage is not like docking a ship where you can park it or forget it but it is more like setting sail on an adventure where you have to keep aware and alert to the circumstances the whole time. This is something Chinese women who are dating Western men should appreciate, because it means they will not be neglected nor taken for granted.
But this should not imply that the Western husband will be more likely to leave a marriage. Indeed, the evidence that foreign men, especially American men do not leave a marriage easily is the large number of marriage counselors in America. If men left a marriage as soon as passion faded, the profession would have no reason to exist. Yet it is thriving. Quite simply, Western men know it is a lot easier to work on a current relationship then it is to start a new one, just like it is usually better to fix an old car than to buy a new one. Plus we are a little bit lazy. If a woman does not give us reason to leave, we more than likely won’t.
So in the end I think there is quite a bit to admire about our passion and nothing to fear. The hard part, though, will be convincing her mother.