cmk76
08-08-2013, 01:23 PM
http://blog.chinalovematch.net/blog/article/Speed-Dating-in-China
Speed Dating in China
By Peter Vernezze
What if there was a medical test that immediately eliminated 95% of people as potential carriers of a disease and allowed you focus precious resources to perform a much more extensive exam on those who remained? Wouldn't it make sense to use that short, simple test to screen the population rather than force every single person to submit to the more extensive medical test?
When it comes to the world of dating such a mechanism exists, or at least many claim it exists. It’s called speed dating. In speed dating, you bring together a number of single people all looking to get into a relationship. And you set it up so each person will have anywhere from two to ten minutes with a member of the opposite sex. In a few hours, they can talk to 10, 20, or 30 members of the opposite sex. (The picture with this article is taken at a speed dating event). If you find someone you like, you can let a third party know, and they will pass that information on to that person, who will contact you if she wishes.
The whole system illustrates a principle I have found to be true in dating: that within a very short amount of time after meeting a member of the opposite sex—a few minutes if not a few seconds—we can tell if this is a potential life partner. This is not “love at first sight.” Rather it is a sort of built in screening mechanism we have that allows us to rule most people out as potential partners rather than actually confirm anyone as Mr. or Mrs. Right.
I am not sure why it works, although I have some theories. It might have to do with pheromones, the chemicals that bodies supposedly secrete and that we can subconsciously sense. Perhaps it’s a much more spiritual thing. “The eyes are the scouts for the soul” is a phrase I once heard, and there is certainly an element of physical appearance involved in this feeling of whether someone is a potential partner. But it is physical presence as well as physical appearance, since I do not think video chatting is a substitute. We get an overall sense of a person by standing in their presence. It may even have something to do with past lives for all I know.
As I said, I am not sure why we can instantly eliminate a large majority of people as potential partners upon meeting them, but I know it does work. At least for me, it has been dead-on accurate. Most of the persons I have ended up in relationships with and/or marrying I have instantly said upon meeting them “yeah, this is a person I can see myself with.” Conversely, when I have ignored this internal sensor, I have paid a price. Now of course, not every person I have had that feeling with have I wound up going out with. As I said, it is an initial screening device, nothing more. But since our time on this earth is limited, it simply makes sense to use any means possible to assist us in finding the person to spend our lives with as quickly as possible. The quicker we do it, the more time we have with that person. To my mind, this sort of thinking does not eliminate romance but allows us to put our romantic energies to efficient use, employing them where they would be most likely to be successful. Since our time on this planet is limited, it simply makes sense.
Actually, this is the sort of efficiency I have found in many Chinese girls, although they use a different standard. They want to know almost immediately if you are interested in marriage and, if so, if you have a house. I used to object when these inevitable dating in China questions were pulled out on a first or second date, but now I see it is the same sort of reasoning that is involved in my desire to have a face to face meeting. Neither they nor I want to spend any of their precious time on false leads. We both want to put our energies into real possibilities rather than imagined ones.
I bring up this importance of meeting in person principle as a time saving device because it directly bears upon a situation I am currently experiencing with a woman I met on China Love Match. On paper, we are a good match: We both have Phds and share a lot of the same interests. But there are a lot of people with Phds with whom I have much in common. I wanted to know as soon as possible whether she passed the potential partner test, which as I said is best done by simply meeting in person. So I offered to come up to Chongqing, since it is relatively short train ride from Chengdu. But this woman refuses my request to visit, declaring that we do not know each other well enough for a face to face meeting. Nor, to complicate matters, will she even allow a video chat.
Now I have good reason to believe the pictures on the site are legitimate and that she is who she says she is. But pictures are only pictures and, as I say, do not allow for the verification of potentiality that a face to face meeting does. But this means we are at an impasse.
It doesn’t seem either of us is being unreasonable in our demands. Instead, what we have here is a cross cultural dating issue: the romantic view of the West conflicting with the more pragmatic view of China when it comes to love and marriage. According to the Western Romantic view, physical attraction is important. As the line I mentioned above suggests: the eyes are the scouts for the soul. The wisdom that causes the body to come out of the womb knowing it needs to suckle the breast is the same wisdom that informs us of whether there is a true physical attraction. The thinking here is that the body has a wisdom of its own and we ignore its desires at our peril. By contrast, the Chinese pragmatic view of love has no truck with such esoteric notions. It boils down to income and advantage, neither of which requires any personal attraction or metaphysical connection and so can be determined without any face to face meeting.
So while she is doing her initial screening I am unable to do mine, and frankly this strikes me as unfair. In any case, I’d be interested in what others think about the importance of face to face meetings, and their ability to predict potential partners, and whether I should keep pressing the case to go up to Chongqing, or back off.
Speed Dating in China
By Peter Vernezze
What if there was a medical test that immediately eliminated 95% of people as potential carriers of a disease and allowed you focus precious resources to perform a much more extensive exam on those who remained? Wouldn't it make sense to use that short, simple test to screen the population rather than force every single person to submit to the more extensive medical test?
When it comes to the world of dating such a mechanism exists, or at least many claim it exists. It’s called speed dating. In speed dating, you bring together a number of single people all looking to get into a relationship. And you set it up so each person will have anywhere from two to ten minutes with a member of the opposite sex. In a few hours, they can talk to 10, 20, or 30 members of the opposite sex. (The picture with this article is taken at a speed dating event). If you find someone you like, you can let a third party know, and they will pass that information on to that person, who will contact you if she wishes.
The whole system illustrates a principle I have found to be true in dating: that within a very short amount of time after meeting a member of the opposite sex—a few minutes if not a few seconds—we can tell if this is a potential life partner. This is not “love at first sight.” Rather it is a sort of built in screening mechanism we have that allows us to rule most people out as potential partners rather than actually confirm anyone as Mr. or Mrs. Right.
I am not sure why it works, although I have some theories. It might have to do with pheromones, the chemicals that bodies supposedly secrete and that we can subconsciously sense. Perhaps it’s a much more spiritual thing. “The eyes are the scouts for the soul” is a phrase I once heard, and there is certainly an element of physical appearance involved in this feeling of whether someone is a potential partner. But it is physical presence as well as physical appearance, since I do not think video chatting is a substitute. We get an overall sense of a person by standing in their presence. It may even have something to do with past lives for all I know.
As I said, I am not sure why we can instantly eliminate a large majority of people as potential partners upon meeting them, but I know it does work. At least for me, it has been dead-on accurate. Most of the persons I have ended up in relationships with and/or marrying I have instantly said upon meeting them “yeah, this is a person I can see myself with.” Conversely, when I have ignored this internal sensor, I have paid a price. Now of course, not every person I have had that feeling with have I wound up going out with. As I said, it is an initial screening device, nothing more. But since our time on this earth is limited, it simply makes sense to use any means possible to assist us in finding the person to spend our lives with as quickly as possible. The quicker we do it, the more time we have with that person. To my mind, this sort of thinking does not eliminate romance but allows us to put our romantic energies to efficient use, employing them where they would be most likely to be successful. Since our time on this planet is limited, it simply makes sense.
Actually, this is the sort of efficiency I have found in many Chinese girls, although they use a different standard. They want to know almost immediately if you are interested in marriage and, if so, if you have a house. I used to object when these inevitable dating in China questions were pulled out on a first or second date, but now I see it is the same sort of reasoning that is involved in my desire to have a face to face meeting. Neither they nor I want to spend any of their precious time on false leads. We both want to put our energies into real possibilities rather than imagined ones.
I bring up this importance of meeting in person principle as a time saving device because it directly bears upon a situation I am currently experiencing with a woman I met on China Love Match. On paper, we are a good match: We both have Phds and share a lot of the same interests. But there are a lot of people with Phds with whom I have much in common. I wanted to know as soon as possible whether she passed the potential partner test, which as I said is best done by simply meeting in person. So I offered to come up to Chongqing, since it is relatively short train ride from Chengdu. But this woman refuses my request to visit, declaring that we do not know each other well enough for a face to face meeting. Nor, to complicate matters, will she even allow a video chat.
Now I have good reason to believe the pictures on the site are legitimate and that she is who she says she is. But pictures are only pictures and, as I say, do not allow for the verification of potentiality that a face to face meeting does. But this means we are at an impasse.
It doesn’t seem either of us is being unreasonable in our demands. Instead, what we have here is a cross cultural dating issue: the romantic view of the West conflicting with the more pragmatic view of China when it comes to love and marriage. According to the Western Romantic view, physical attraction is important. As the line I mentioned above suggests: the eyes are the scouts for the soul. The wisdom that causes the body to come out of the womb knowing it needs to suckle the breast is the same wisdom that informs us of whether there is a true physical attraction. The thinking here is that the body has a wisdom of its own and we ignore its desires at our peril. By contrast, the Chinese pragmatic view of love has no truck with such esoteric notions. It boils down to income and advantage, neither of which requires any personal attraction or metaphysical connection and so can be determined without any face to face meeting.
So while she is doing her initial screening I am unable to do mine, and frankly this strikes me as unfair. In any case, I’d be interested in what others think about the importance of face to face meetings, and their ability to predict potential partners, and whether I should keep pressing the case to go up to Chongqing, or back off.