Painting while Partnered - Do you articulate sexual physical interests preferences and fantasises

[liminal]

Bare with me as the question may not be well formed

Reading the ‘Punting while in a relationship’ and various other threads posts comments here elsewhere

Who here can /has been able to articulate their sexual physical interests and fantasises and wants to their partners .. ? And allowed encouraged, the reciprocal

I understand why sex response in relationships can alter, shift and become plagued with many issues that then erode confidence , intimacy, or diminish sexual interest with your partner or others, in the short or long term

However there is clear evidence, you can bring back to a relationship (new or longer term), intimacy and sex play

Many here argue that punting enriches their sense of self and may then enrich the relationship and their partners ... or not

So if it is sex positive (punting) and allows many freedoms of self expression are you by not discussing your preferences interests needs then denying yourself and your partners, opportunity for new expression play and discovery ? ultimately a warmer open intimate relationship ?

a previous long term partner who woke while I was masturbating and told me she thought it disgusting (paraphrase) , I was perplexed and felt shamed . Worse when I tried too discuss , both the physical moment and her reaction was met with reluctance.

Toward the end of the relationship ,and where there had been no intimacy let alone sex for almost 3 years , I decided to see a sex worker rather than have an affair .

Man logic

She did not take this well. When we discussed it further as we both were crying she tells me .. she had been missing intimacy and sex also

So why don’t we talk and share .. why and do we really fear ?

[ellison]

I understand why sex response in relationships can alter , shift and become plagued with many issues that then erode confidence , intimacy, or diminish interest in the short or long term
So if it is positive (punting) and allows many freedoms of self expression are you by not discussing your preferences interests needs then denying yourself and your partners opportunity for new expression play and discovery ?
Worse when I tried too discuss , both the physical moment and her reaction was met with reluctance
She did not take this well. When we discussed it further as we both were crying she tells me .. she had been missing intimacy and sex also


Thanks for your thread. Its an important subject for many men on here (many readers on here never join and never post by the way). I pasted the paragraphs that I found really thought provoking.

I am not good at discussing my wants and needs. And part of me also thinks that partners in relationships should always be thinking of the others needs without being asked. I know now what I need in relationships, and that is a woman who deeply and naturally loves cuddling and intimacy without needing to be asked for these things. Life is more complicated obviously than that, and after a few years and especially after children things become less interesting unless you are both sensual people

Punting may actually mean men can avoid asking this important question in their relationship. However discussing the issue may not solve the issue, if there are deeper problems between two people

I worry about talking about sex, as the woman may think Im focussed on sex rather than the relationship, and may be indicating Im looking elsewhere for it. Women mainly think you may be tempted to find sex by having an affair with another woman.

And one other thought. Unless they are older with atrophic vagina, or ovary cyst with pain, more women have good libido than we recognise. They have to have be given the right environment, which includes feeling loved and valued, and given time away from work and children.

Can I ask you how it ended up you didnt have sex for 3 years, yet she tells you she misses intimacy. Did you argue a lot and differ greatly in personality?

[liminal]

Thx for the reply

To answer your Q’s

We all can long for something, yet still self sabotage and or use other means to deny- so she likes sexy and did with me . Just thought denying was better. When all it created was more distance.


Over years we had tried intensive counselling etc , though It appeared when requiring some form of action directed by said counsellor (who we both trusted), one of us would falter and refuse, my ex mostly .

It was challenging in every conceivable manner

Nonetheless we kept it together 2 kids etc . Fearing much steadifast in held ideas. Yet lacking simple honesty and authenticity to be ethical And caring to each other in base fundamental ways.


My ex enjoyed sex, though sparingly and on specific terms . I enjoyed sex/intimacy/touch with her and missed our closeness.

Nothing unusual here

I started to first just have a massage for skin contact and it progressed.

Now punting is part of my sex/self expression creativity/identity (albeit limited presently). I am also clear with the two women I am currently seeing regularly, (who are both aware of each other) thAt I punt. Both are curious about this and I tell them . One in particular would like to experience this with me and by herself.

currently despite managing some emotional terrain , it’s an arrangement that is working - the honesty that is.

[aussiegaigin]

My partner wants me to paint our apartment, but she won't offer to help.

[ellison]

Over years we had tried intensive counselling etc , though It appeared when requiring some form of action directed by said counsellor (who we both trusted), one of us would falter and refuse, my ex mostly .
It was challenging in every conceivable manner

I wont blame one side or the other. There are always two sides to a story

This is all just my one opinion...
Thankfully I have never been in a relationship where the partner uses overt restriction regarding sex. That is a form of punishment, and at that point I would just not show interest in sex, rather than encourage that passive aggressive behaviour. But the next worse problem is just the inability to broach the sex subject

I also see that admitting to any woman that you punt will never end well, if you do want another solid long term relationship. One of the many risks is that a woman may eventually reveal to a third person that you see sex workers, without your consent. If you have an open relationship that works, go for it. But few women will want that for the long term, unless you are head of a cult.

And male polygamy never benefits a woman, most women as a generalisation, end up just wanting a companion in the long run not a sex partner, particularly if they are not financially self sufficient. Im sure you understand a woman can be left high and dry financially and alone if they dont watch out for their welfare

[Basil22]

This is an interesting post which raises many things I think often about. Just need to find the time tomorrow to reply

This is my reminder haha, but thanks in advance for bringing it up

[doubles]

I just returned from a lovely early morning walk in the bush with my wife of 19 years and our doggo. We sleep in seperate beds and have not been intimate for many years. During our walk this mornings walk I felt very close to my wife and I could tell she was happy to be out walking with me. At one point I would have liked to hold hands but did not bother to ask as she would oblige for ten seconds at best. Some people are not touchy, they do not need physical touch in their life. my wife blames the menopause for her lack of interest, also their is great financial stress in our lives. I had always fantasized about seeing a WL, indeed it is how I found this forum. Through a series of twists and turns it has now become a regular thing for me. I really value the job these ML/WL do, I have had , like everyone, some terrible experiences but also met some great girls who make me feel like a man.

[ellison]

Well said doubles. I know how you feel regarding no ontimacy and sure many others do too. When I went to hug my last girlfriend (four year relationship) she moved her body away from me

[F0x]

Bare with me as the question may not be well formed

Reading the ‘Punting while in a relationship’ and various other threads posts comments here elsewhere

Who here can /has been able to articulate their sexual physical interests and fantasises and wants to their partners .. ?

I understand why sex response in relationships can alter , shift and become plagued with many issues that then erode confidence , intimacy, or diminish interest in the short or long term

However there is clear evidence, you can bring back to a relationship (new or longer term), intimacy and sex play

Many here argue that punting enriches their sense of self and may then enrich the relationship org their partners ... or not

So if it is positive (punting) and allows many freedoms of self expression are you by not discussing your preferences interests needs then denying yourself and your partners opportunity for new expression play and discovery ?

I had a previous long term partner who woke whole I was masturbating and told me she thought it disgusting (paraphrase) , I was perplexed and felt shamed . Worse when I tried too discuss , both the physical moment and her reaction was met with reluctance.

Toward the end of the relationship ,and where there had been no intimacy let alone sex for almost 3 years , I decided to see a sex worker rather than have an affair .

Man logic

She did not take this well. When we discussed it further as we both were crying she tells me .. she had been missing intimacy and sex also

So why don’t we talk and share .. why do we really fear ?

Assume you meant Punting while partnered. Ive done a fair bit of painting while partnered, with interesting results!

To address your personal situation first, it's quite a surprise that your partner found you masturbating "disgusting". I assume it might be her religious background or upbringing?

Having a tug or flicking the bean is one of the most normal things in the world.

In fact were I a woman I would be far more concerned about a guy who truthfuly says they don't empty the pipes regularly. Living things have 3 primal, most basic needs

Feed
Sleep
Reproduce

To wilfully suppress one of these urges means it gets pushed to another direction. If you told me this is the place where serial killers/rapists/murders are made I wouldn't be surprised.

Fact is, when it come to fantasies and sexual desires, partners don't always share same ideas. Take the above example, maybe another woman would be turned on by finding their partner masturbating, they assume it's over them and might feel sexy. No idea if OP was having a wank over the missus or something else but the point remains.

Guy might want to try Anal, partner might be horrified at the idea even with someone she is totally comfy with. WL might do this for an extra pineapple no worries.

I trust your all getting the picture.
We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Thing is oddly, if you get a freak in the bed you might wonder how many other guys she's also been freaky with.

There is an immense amount of complexity to the human psyche.

I guess the fear maybe comes from scenarios exactly as OP describes. That your fantasies will be repulsive to your partner.

Whereas with a WL, you know very quickly if it's acceptable or not, with the upside being that even if not, it's not a point of contention, you just search till you find one who will accommodate and the price is right.

[ellison]

I wonder how many men would be repulsed to find their partner masturbating secretly in bed?

[lamb]

I wonder how many men would be repulsed to find their partner masturbating secretly in bed?

How is this repulsive? I find it hot. Go forth and fap my dear. It’s healthy, fun for them and can be even hotter when done together.

I do not see an issue with masturbation on either side when in a relationship.

[ellison]

How is this repulsive? I find it hot. Go forth and fap my dear. It’s healthy, fun for them and can be even hotter when done together.

I do not see an issue with masturbation on either side when in a relationship.

Agreed. More women should masturbate with their partners. Its sad some women see it as unnatural

[Basil22]

I trust your all getting the picture.
We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Thing is oddly, if you get a freak in the bed you might wonder how many other guys she's also been freaky with.

There is an immense amount of complexity to the human psyche.


This right here! I envy the less complex (emotionally) people around me, who seem to glide through life without throwing themselves curveballs all the time. I have what most people would regard as the perfect partner. Certainly everyone around me feels that way anyway. She is smart, funny, 100 % genuine, loyal, loves me more than anything in the world, is attentive to my needs, and I have absolutely no doubt in the world that our future will be stable and secure.
But the intimacy left the relationship early on, and hasn't really come back. There are a variety of reasons for this, and although I thought that a lot could be blamed on her, recently I have begun to realise that perhaps I am more guilty than I thought. I would say 80 % of why we won't have sex is due to my own attachment style (just google it if you're not sure what it is) and the other 20 % is due to her particular sexuality and me not articulating what turns me on - but perhaps I didn't really know what does until more recently
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship

As Fox said, there is an enormous amount of complexity to the human psyche. If anyone read my first post on here then they'll know that I left my relationship for a year and pursued an ML. We had a brief and beautiful rollercoaster which I ended to return to my now fiance. The year I was with Yumi (ML name) the sex and my confidence was through the roof and I can't say I've ever clicked that well with my current partner. But what I realised with Yumi was that it started as a sexual relationship where I didn't need to feel shy (as I usually would). The sexual dynamic was already set in the relationship, and for me anyway, I think the lack of my usually low self esteem made me feel hornier than ever. Does anyone here find that they get way more turned on to porn or ML/WL than with their partners? Well, that happened to me and for a long time I thought it was just that my partner and I were not sexually compatible. But I'm working on the theory that it's got more to do with my aversion to real, solid relationships and TRUE LOVE, and the fact that with ML's and WL's there is less emotion. Don't get me wrong, I'm still human and also develop feelings for working girls (and when I do I usually start to see a new one) but the fact that they don't REALLY know me allows me to express myself more naturally, I guess.

I've recently started seeing a therapist because I want to work through some of my issues. And really want to experience this naturally expressive feeling with my current partner. I am going to try and stop punting for a bit because I feel it complicates things, and I really need to know if our physical situation is because of me, or if we really aren't compatible, and my punting is simply a reaction to said situation. I guess it's a mix.

Anyway I didn't really articulate things as well as I usually would, but, what are my final thoughts on this subject?

Punting while partnered can go both ways. It has been good for me in the past and actually brought my partner and I closer together, but of late has had me questioning how much I use punting to distract me from the problems in my real relationship. I think I would feel much better about it if I had a healthy sexual relationship at home. It just doesn't feel right to enjoy sexual intimacy more with a working girl than with a real woman who is in love with me. Again, I have come to think (hope?) that it is my own issues towards being wanted that make me feel this way.

Or, maybe I just fucking love Asian women and should marry one instead. Who knows, will keep you posted!
B

[ellison]

No need to get married intil your late 30s or in your 40s. But dont keep.a lady waiting more than 2 years