Originally Posted by
Matty Turnball
I’m wandering down High Street in East Maitland and stop at 106, I was minding my own business, thinking I’ll just get a normal, relaxing massage like a responsible adult. You know—bit of peace, maybe fix the back.
Yeah… nah.
I walk in, and straight away the place feels like I’ve just walked into a low-budget fantasy tavern. I’m half expecting a wizard behind the counter asking me for a quest item.
Then she shows up—Eva. Tiny, calm, looks like she hasn’t had a stressful day in her life. Meanwhile I’ve walked in looking like I lost a fight with a desk job.
She doesn’t say much, just gives me that look like, “I already know you’re not built for what’s about to happen.”
So I go, “Alright, easy… start with the feet, work your way up. Nice and slow.”
In my head, I’m thinking I’m in control here.
I was not in control.
She starts, and within about two minutes I realise this is not a standard massage—this is a full psychological operation. Every time I get comfortable, she switches it up. I’m lying there thinking, “Is this relaxation or am I being interrogated?”
At one point she’s so focused, I start wondering if she’s studying for an exam on me specifically.
And the pace—mate. One second it’s calm and relaxing, next second it’s like she’s speedrunning the entire experience. I’m lying there trying to keep up like, “Hang on, I’ve just arrived—why are we already at the final boss fight??”
I literally had to go, “Hey—hey—slow down, this isn’t a Fast & Furious movie.”
She actually listens, which somehow makes it funnier, because now I feel like I’ve hit the pause button on chaos.
But the whole time, she’s got this amused energy—like she knows I walked in thinking I was the main character, and five minutes later I’m clearly just comic relief.
At one point I’m just staring at the ceiling thinking, “I came in for a massage… why do I feel like I’ve been outplayed?”
And the weirdest part? She seemed way more invested than me. I’m just trying to survive the experience and she’s treating it like it’s the grand final.
So I walk out afterwards, completely confused, slightly impressed, and 100% certain I achieved absolutely nothing I planned.