Aus99 Medical Myth-Busting Clinic Presented by: Dr. Pun—Specialist in BS Extraction and STI Fact Sur
Welcome to the waiting room, lads. Take a number and a tissue. Let’s diagnose some of the biggest whoppers from the Aus99 STI testing thread.
⸻
MYTH #1: “Doxycycline after a punt will keep the nasties away.”
Diagnosis: Misguided over-the-counter cowboy medicine
Prognosis: Antibiotic resistance and false confidence
Reality: Taking doxy like it’s Berocca after a night out won’t save you. It’s not STI fairy dust. Misusing antibiotics fuels super strains of gonorrhoea that laugh in the face of your 100mg heroics. Unless your doc wrote you a script, and you’ve been properly diagnosed or enrolled in a monitored PEP study (usually in high-risk MSM groups), self-medicating is just DIY Darwinism.
Punchline: Doxy isn’t a STI condom. It’s a prescription drug. Not Mentos.
⸻
MYTH #2: “Urine + throat swab = all clear. No need for blood tests.”
Diagnosis: Partial screening syndrome
Prognosis: Missed HIV, syphilis, and hepatitis
Reality: Some of you are out here swabbing like it’s a COVID test in 2020. Urine and throat are great for gonorrhoea and chlamydia, but blood tests are the only way to detect HIV, syphilis, hepatitis B/C and sometimes even herpes antibodies. If your idea of “clean” is three bodily fluids short, you’re not playing safe — you’re playing peekaboo with your immune system.
Punchline: If it ain’t in the bloodstream, it ain’t in your test stream. Get the bloods, ya goose.
⸻
MYTH #3: “Herpes is only infectious during an outbreak.”
Diagnosis: Blind spot herpes belief
Prognosis: Viral roulette
Reality: HSV-1 and HSV-2 can shed and spread without visible symptoms. It’s called asymptomatic viral shedding — sounds fancy, but it’s herpes ghosting your logic. Visual inspection doesn’t cut it — unless your date’s a dermatologist with a blacklight and a microscope.
Punchline: If you’re playing “spot the sore” before sticking it in, mate — you’re already f**ked.
⸻
MYTH #4: “Drink water and pee straight after a session to wash it all out.”
Diagnosis: Wishful flushing
Prognosis: Dehydrated and still infected
Reality: You’re not rinsing a beer bong here. Urinating might reduce UTI risk slightly, but it doesn’t “flush out” STIs like some kind of internal carwash. If anything, you’re giving yourself false reassurance while your urethra’s busy hosting chlamydia’s housewarming party.
Punchline: Peeing doesn’t kill bacteria — antibiotics do. And only the right ones.
⸻
MYTH #5: “Sexual health clinics don’t report anything.”
Diagnosis: Selective privacy disorder
Prognosis: Legal confusion with a hint of paranoia
Reality: Clinics don’t call your mum, your missus or your boss. But STIs are notifiable diseases. That means anonymous statistical data goes to NSW Health to monitor outbreaks. Your name? Safe. Your infection? Counted. Your lies? Between you and your conscience.
Punchline: Sexual health clinics aren’t narcs. They’re nerds with test tubes who don’t care if you called yourself “KingPunty69” on the form.
⸻
MYTH #6: “If the girl looks clean and smells okay, you’re sweet.”
Diagnosis: Visual Safety Bias
Prognosis: STI surprise sequel
Reality: Most STIs are asymptomatic — meaning no smell, no sores, no warning. Some of you are out here inspecting genitals like it’s a Woolies avocado — “Yeah bro this one feels firm, no bruising, good to go.” Nah. That’s not science. That’s survival bias with a side of wishful thinking.
Punchline: If you’re doing quality control by eyeball and nose, just know gonorrhoea doesn’t care about your sniff test.
⸻
MYTH #7: “If you’re careful with oral, there’s no real risk.”
Diagnosis: BBBJ denial syndrome
Prognosis: Surprise strep throat and gonorrhoea kisses
Reality: Oral sex transmits STIs like chlamydia, gonorrhoea, syphilis, herpes, and even HPV or HIV (in rare but possible cases). It’s not “less risky.” It’s just sneakier. Especially when you’re out there swapping spit with a roster that makes the NRL draft look tame.
Punchline: If you’re getting throated on Thursday and tongue-punched by Saturday, maybe don’t wait until Monday to get swabbed.
⸻
FINAL THOUGHTS FROM DR. PUN
The real STI epidemic? Misinformation.
Stop getting your sexual health advice from lads who call themselves “Double Adapter” and “4InchSituAsian.”
• Always get tested after high-risk exposure, or every 3 months if you’re active.
• Get a full panel: urine, throat, rectal if applicable, AND blood.
• Don’t misuse antibiotics like they’re chewable mints.
• And if you’re married and still punting raw — you don’t need a test. You need a therapist.
Remember: Prevention is sexy. Regular testing is the real climax.
Signed,
Dr. Pun, MD (Mockery Doctor), Specialising in Clinical Reality Checks and STI Sensei Wisdom)
Clinic motto: We treat symptoms, not stupidity — but we’ll try our best.