Tell me who's wrong here...

I've been seeing this Chinese girl for about two months now, it's been a bit on and off because of fights and that. Her English is ok, she definitely understands and is able to write, but prefers to speak Chinese. Anyway, last week we decided to get back together after a fight, and we were gonna meet for dinner after work. Just as a bit of background, I used to sleep over at her place in the inner west a bit, but she's moved a few times and been looking for a new place to move to and her current place isn't where I can stay. These are the texts:

[morning]
Me: So you want to meet tonight?
Her: um I come out then. Let see what time
Me: Ok...do you want to stay together tonight?
Her: Not sure the place yet~have a look first
Me: I mean...stay in city together?
Her: um yea ~
Me: Ok...then don't have to worry about time or being too cold
Her: um yea ;)

[afternoon]
Me: Hey what time are you coming out? Should I go home first?
Her: yea u can go home first

[night at 8pm]
Her: can we meet up tmr? It's too cold outside
Me: Umm...I already paid for hotel...
Her: what?! Why u didn't tell me...oh my god don't waste money
Me: I asked if you wanted to stay together tonight and you saud yes
Her: I thought u said stay together...language problem...not live together

Anyway, this was the second time she had flaked on me at the last minute so in addition to the $400 I already paid for the hotel, I was pretty pissed off. It only takes a 20min train ride for her to get to the city, and I asked her if she was going to come out or not, and she said no, that she wanted to meet another day, so I told her to fuck off.

Too harsh? What do you think?

It sounds like some misunderstanding on your part. From what you have mentioned, you made no mention of booking a hotel to her prior to making your booking. Firstly, I would have asked her if she was fine with the idea of booking a hotel in the city so you could spend time with her and if she said yes then book it. Don't assume it. By the way, $400 for a hotel in the city sounds expensive when there are many very good hotels for half the price.

Were you able to cancel the hotel booking or not? A real waste but if she wasn't turning up and you couldn't cancel the booking, the other option was to get an outcall service to your hotel room. I would have a bitter feeling against her if I had booked the hotel and she failed to turn up.

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Originally Posted by cuteguy

It sounds like some misunderstanding on your part. From what you have mentioned, you made no mention of booking a hotel to her prior to making your booking. Firstly, I would have asked her if she was fine with the idea of booking a hotel in the city so you could spend time with her and if she said yes then book it. Don't assume it. By the way, $400 for a hotel in the city sounds expensive when there are many very good hotels for half the price.

Were you able to cancel the hotel booking or not? A real waste but if she wasn't turning up and you couldn't cancel the booking, the other option was to get an outcall service to your hotel room. I would have a bitter feeling against her if I had booked the hotel and she failed to turn up.

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I couldn't cancel as I booked it on the day with usual check in at 3pm, and by the time she told me it was already 8pm.

Even if there was misunderstanding, I think she still should've come out. It was cold, but it wasn't that cold. Only 20min train ride. A similar thing happened with an ex where I decided to surprise her on V day by booking a hotel. She didn't really want to go (at that stage we hadn't had sex yet) but when she saw how disappointed I was, she went anyway and we just slept without sex.

You have to make it clear that you were thinking of booking a hotel room

That clarifies your intention
You cant be wishy washy about your intentions, particularly if it involves you spending money - for example prepaying for a movie or a hotel room

If you had been clear about the hotel, you may have scared her off, but equally at least then you know not to book the hotel

Some women just dont feel comfortable going to a hotel room
Women who are well brought up realise that you are treating them like a working lady

Dont get me wrong, you can invite a lady to a hotel, but she has to know you and be able to trust you

The first thing a woman wants to know is if you are married or not

If a woman doesnt know yoiu well, and they dont know where you live, and you invite them to a hotel room, it feels odd

Tell her i booked a hotel not stay together bra :) HOTEL :)

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Originally Posted by harmony

You have to make it clear that you were thinking of booking a hotel room

That clarifies your intention
You cant be wishy washy about your intentions, particularly if it involves you spending money - for example prepaying for a movie or a hotel room

If you had been clear about the hotel, you may have scared her off, but equally at least then you know not to book the hotel

Some women just dont feel comfortable going to a hotel room
Women who are well brought up realise that you are treating them like a working lady

Dont get me wrong, you can invite a lady to a hotel, but she has to know you and be able to trust you

The first thing a woman wants to know is if you are married or not

If a woman doesnt know yoiu well, and they dont know where you live, and you invite them to a hotel room, it feels odd

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It seems she did agree "um, yea" to "stay in the city together"; what was she expecting, a park bench?

Maybe she was expecting you to pay a taxi for her

Communication problem, I agree you need to be very clear with your intention.

Last time I asked my ML for a night out I told her specifically what I'm spending, where, etc. So when I book there's no doubt where we are going.

Also, remember girls frequently changed their minds, so need to secure a commitment, nor just a uumm yes answer.

Well bro $400 for a hotel it top dollars so it must be a great place.

I had a similar experience with a lady I have to admit I didn't spend that much on a hotel but she did similar things to me she said or at least led me to believe we would meet up that night and then she messaged at the last minute and cancelled.

I accepted it the first time but the second time I decided not to see her again.

I must admit I miss her but in the end what was her aim or purpose what did she want?

You need to determine what your relationship with her is in the longer term and then progress from there.

For me it was a disappointing result but hey that's life.

Move on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by harmony

If you had been clear about the hotel, you may have scared her off, but equally at least then you know not to book the hotel

Some women just dont feel comfortable going to a hotel room
Women who are well brought up realise that you are treating them like a working lady

Dont get me wrong, you can invite a lady to a hotel, but she has to know you and be able to trust you

The first thing a woman wants to know is if you are married or not

If a woman doesnt know yoiu well, and they dont know where you live, and you invite them to a hotel room, it feels odd

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I understand that, and if it was a girl I had never slept with, I probably would be very reluctant to suggest a hotel. But this girl is a girl I've slept with more than a few times, and she definitely wasn't "well brought up".

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Originally Posted by aussiegaigin

It seems she did agree "um, yea" to "stay in the city together"; what was she expecting, a park bench?

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Exactly.

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Originally Posted by garfield

Also, remember girls frequently changed their minds, so need to secure a commitment, nor just a uumm yes answer.

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This is what gives me the shit. Let's forget about the hotel for a minute. She agreed to come out that night, and then at 8PM CANCELS. And this is the second time she's done it. I understand sometimes people need to cancel, but at the last minute? There was no "sorry", just "can we meet up tmr?"

If you agree to something, then fucking stick to it.

I don't see anything wrong here, judging from your post and the girls behaviour I would say that you two are perfectly matched!

Stay in city together could be ambiguous. When dealing with language barriers there can be no room for ambiguity. ""Should I book a hotel in the city so we can stay there together tonight?" Would be preferable. Hindsight 20/20 and all that.
Forgetting the hotel, yeah she flaked at 8pm. Could be a reason but it's shit form. She should have informed you much earlier.

All in all the communication in the whole affair could have been better but with no excuse for flaking offered it seems she doesn't value your time too highly.

I figure you've slept with her already... I think in this case a phone call comes in better. Texting is absolutely bullshit with women these days in general I think but especially when it comes to making plans.

When you want to make a concrete plan get them on the fucking phone and have a conversation. Make sure you are understood. If they flake after that. Simple.. just find another girl, there is plenty out there.

Agree with other brothers.. Move on bro, forget her.. She doesn't know what she's missing...

Thanks for clarifying things Millhouse
So you have been intimate with the lady before. That makes the story completely different

You do need to tell her you spent some money booking a hotel room, and accept to her that next time you will make your intentions crystal clear
In that way you inform her that she was being unfair, but that you accept some of the responsibility for the misunderstanding
Do not tell her how much you spent ($400), or blame her for the mistake - trust me that will not help, and will drive her away
But secretly you know, and we all know, that this lady let you down

Its clear she was up for 'friends with benefits', but the 'benefits' arent always reliably on offer
Its also clear that this lady is being "FLAKEY", in other words, she cant be relied upon to do what she says
No reflection on you, but I bet she has other options, including possibly having a boyfriend on the side. Or she is just not that into you

Unless this lady makes it clear next time that she is interested in being together, then spend time with someone more reliable
If there is no respect from her, then she may well waste your time again in the future
There are too many other fish in the ocean

Remember, some women dont want to hurt your feelings by saying "I just dont need to sleep with you anymore, I have other options"
Instead, women often talk with their actions
And to the unbiased observer, it appears that you are not a high priority to her

All the best

women are like that though.

You should've gone and picked her up or sent a car from the hotel.

Tpol is on the spot. Ask her to catch public transport on a cold day is totally unacceptable bro if your motive is to get into her panties. Girl must be treated like a ""princess". There is nothing to do with language barrier. You don't show enough commitment. You should 1. Call her 2. Get flowers (especially after an argument) 3. Pick her up 4. Book a nice place for dinner (tell her that but not where). Half of the hotel money could have been well spent on my recommendation. Try again. Persistence work on girls! You are not sensitive enough bro! Ugly guys will end up with pretty girls because they show sensitivity. Look around you to verify this theory. I'm will not say good luck because this a proven strategy. It's a matter for you.

By the way, your question shows you are on the wrong track already. Work on the "assumption" the girl is ALWAYS right and you will surely get what you want. In the end it's cheaper then overnight escort service right?

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Originally Posted by doctorspock

Tpol is on the spot. Ask her to catch public transport on a cold day is totally unacceptable bro if your motive is to get into her panties. Girl must be treated like a ""princess". There is nothing to do with language barrier. You don't show enough commitment. You should 1. Call her 2. Get flowers (especially after an argument) 3. Pick her up 4. Book a nice place for dinner (tell her that but not where). Half of the hotel money could have been well spent on my recommendation. Try again. Persistence work on girls! You are not sensitive enough bro! Ugly guys will end up with pretty girls because they show sensitivity. Look around you to verify this theory. I'm will not say good luck because this a proven strategy. It's a matter for you.

By the way, your question shows you are on the wrong track already. Work on the "assumption" the girl is ALWAYS right and you will surely get what you want. In the end it's cheaper then overnight escort service right?

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Bro I used to put girls on the pedestal when I was younger, but not anymore. I have learnt that there are plenty of girls around, and they are all after your money anyway. So if you have money, do not spend too much effort on one girl. Have money, can afford to tell the difficult ones to fuck off.

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Originally Posted by cunninglinguist

i don't see anything wrong here, judging from your post and the girls behaviour i would say that you two are perfectly matched!

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by milhouse

bro i used to put girls on the pedestal when i was younger, but not anymore. I have learnt that there are plenty of girls around, and they are all after your money anyway. So if you have money, do not spend too much effort on one girl. Have money, can afford to tell the difficult ones to fuck off.

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quod erat demonstrandum


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"Work on the "assumption" the girl is ALWAYS right"

That is half the equation

The other half is "A lady may always be right, but she may not be right for you"

Be aware of just how much money you are spending, and if she is just taking you for granted, then you guys are just friends, and you stop paying

After all... with all your other friends... do you pay all the bills for meals, movies, entertainment etc ??

The answer is no

Nice guys don't always end up with pretty girls. You can pick her up in your car, take her to a classy restaurant and pay the bill but will this convince her that you're her man... I don't think so. On the other hand, another guy turns up on the scene and treats her with no respect with the result that she falls for him. It is not uncommon to see this happening with the nice guys always finishing last.

We all know that women today are difficult to understand. They change very quickly to suit their own needs. For your girl to stand you up twice at the last minute shows she doesn't have much respect for you. It's best to let her go and find someone who will show you more respect and be keen to be with you when you propose to go out. In the future, if you plan to arrange a meeting with someone, don't rely solely on an SMS. Follow it up with a phone call so you can be sure she is aware of your intentions.

cuteguy says it as it is

If you are not on phone call basis with a person, then this interaction is purely friendship, and friends with benefits if you are lucky

Here are a few other ways of knowing where you stand with a lady

1)Text her in the morning, and say "how are you going ?"
If you don't hear from her for 4-6 hours, then you know you arent a high priority
(no matter if she is a busy lady or not, all women will answer a phone at lunchtime, as all women routinely check their phones at least once an hour)

2)Send her a text that any normal lady would respond to promptly
Such as "I have a cold today :( "

If the lady doesn't reply within 4-6 hours, then you arent a priority
Also, the response to a text like this is pretty illuminating
If her reply is: "sorry", ie a short reply, and no other comments, you arent a high priority
Someone who is a friend would say ..."That's no good ! Hope you get better soon !" (with some emotion in the reply)

3)If you see a lady, and take her for dinner or movie or whatever, and make sure she gets home safe, that's being a gentleman
If she doesn't text you at the end of the night, or the next day, you are not a priority to her

4)If you have taken her out a few times, and at no point has she offered to pay, she is either taking you for granted, or she is sleeping with you

These very simple text tricks and observations, will tell you straight away where you stand with a woman
As cuteguy says, you either need to phone a woman if you have booked something definite, but more importantly, you need to make your intentions very clear
eg text "I may book a hotel tonight. What are the chances you can join me ?"
You need her to 1)Confirm that she is free 2)Confirm that she wants to see you 3)Confirm she knows you are booking a hotel

Quote:

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Originally Posted by harmony

cuteguy says it as it is

If you are not on phone call basis with a person, then this interaction is purely friendship, and friends with benefits if you are lucky

Here are a few other ways of knowing where you stand with a lady

1)Text her in the morning, and say "how are you going ?"
If you don't hear from her for 4-6 hours, then you know you arent a high priority
(no matter if she is a busy lady or not, all women will answer a phone at lunchtime, as all women routinely check their phones at least once an hour)

2)Send her a text that any normal lady would respond to promptly
Such as "I have a cold today :( "

If the lady doesn't reply within 4-6 hours, then you arent a priority
Also, the response to a text like this is pretty illuminating
If her reply is: "sorry", ie a short reply, and no other comments, you arent a high priority
Someone who is a friend would say ..."That's no good ! Hope you get better soon !" (with some emotion in the reply)

3)If you see a lady, and take her for dinner or movie or whatever, and make sure she gets home safe, that's being a gentleman
If she doesn't text you at the end of the night, or the next day, you are not a priority to her

4)If you have taken her out a few times, and at no point has she offered to pay, she is either taking you for granted, or she is sleeping with you

These very simple text tricks and observations, will tell you straight away where you stand with a woman
As cuteguy says, you either need to phone a woman if you have booked something definite, but more importantly, you need to make your intentions very clear
eg text "I may book a hotel tonight. What are the chances you can join me ?"
You need her to 1)Confirm that she is free 2)Confirm that she wants to see you 3)Confirm she knows you are booking a hotel

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Well said , you are smart man bra :)