Newtown Chinese Massage
501 King Street
Newtown
Phone: 95571830

Howdy Everyone,

This is a review of Peggy.

I am ok now folks, but for the last few weeks I’ve been in rough shape. My attitude of sweet intention has been sorely tested.

Just the other day I walked past a petrol station being ripped up. I suspect they will be putting in sub-standard townhouses they’ll sell for a million bucks each and that will collapse if the wind spend exceeds 8 kilometres per hour!

There was a horde of guys milling around and leaning on shovels while one poor sucker in a caterpillar was moving tons of soil and concrete so that the petro storage tank could be removed. Amongst this mob of no-hopers stood, what looked like, the boss. He wore one of those plastic safety hats that wouldn’t protect your cranium from a bird turd, a cheap glow in the dark vest, an Ipad Mini in his hand and a fag hanging from his hideous gob. Me, being that guy with sweet intentions, engaged him in the following interaction.

Seagal: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
Boss: Do what?
Seagal: Smoke that coffin nail around here.
Boss: And why not?
Seagal: The petrol fumes could cause a blast and
Boss: And what?
Seagal: Blow that plastic hat with your head still in it 90 metres straight up!
Boss: Go fuck yourself!
Seagal: I don’t think physically I can do that.

AND

I walked away pissed off and muttered under my breath a variety of insults I wished I had thrown at him. You know, stuff like “I’ll make you my lap dog you hooked-nosed motherfucker!” AND “I’ll kick you so hard you cocksucker you’ll be wearing your arse for a hat!” AND I went on and on as I walked down the street with this and other stream of consciousness bullshit racing through my head.

Where was I?

Oh yes, this is a review of Peggy.

I marched into 501 for the first time in a few months to be met by the lovely Miko. She had her hair permed and tinted and I think looks btter by the day. Like a fine wine, Miko just keeps on keeping on. Today she steered me to Peggy.

Peggy told me she was 30, but I think she could pass for younger. She is slim with a nice face, A-Cup breast and small dark nipples. (The rest I didn’t see.) She had a Buster Brown haircut and I felt it must have been a rough day for her because her hair looked like she was wearing a cheap fright wig.

Her English and massage skills are as poor as my Mandarin. I asked for ‘medium’ and she damn near broke my back. Most of the massage was with a towel over me and I am not a fan of the towel technique for kneading the kinks out of muscles. (If you don’t hear from me again it is because I was wrong and she did damage my spinal column rendering little more than a taking head.)

Extras were on the table BUT you would need to be Bill Gates to afford them OR you take out a 50 year loan with the Commonwealth Bank.

The handjob had all the skill of the Australian Cricket team competing for the Ashes.

Folks, I think the golden days of 501 are well and truly gone. Jo-Jo, Sasa, Nana, Annie and Daisy are mere memories. This lot there now could not massage a left toe between the lot of them without breaking it and if their lives depended on it. As for extras, thy seem to be a hundred times more expensive to maintain than an asylum seeker.

I’ve said enough.

It’s good to be back.

Hope we meet again soon.

Until that time folks . . .until that time.

Steven