I’ve already picked her and blown the relationship twice for no other reason than I don’t respect my good fortune. Now I’m back trying for a third time. This morning I’ll know if she wants to proceed. Things started on the wrong foot with her as I had preconceived ideas that sex workers cannot be trusted. Hell knows I’ve read enough sordid tales on here and elsewhere not to even contemplate such forum heresy. Yet I want to try once more. She’s already blocked me on one messaging app. I’d say that’s what it is. A block.

I’ve gone 12 hours without contact. Generally she says good morning early.

This is my life, my future, my destiny I’m writing about. I may joke about things but I’m serious about her.

She’ll have to unblock me. We will chat if and when it happens. Then go from there.

I’m not like her other boyfriends. I consider them soft cock losers. They probably give flowers and chocolates and say nice things and wouldn’t dare ever cause conflict or put their relationship with her at risk. Some of them even talk about me with her. I’ve read the txts. She shows me. They give her advice. I never tell her what to do about them. I just say they’ll never be as good as I am or do the things I do. She says I have a high opinion of myself and yes I do. I agreed. Maybe she likes underachieving guys as they don’t rock the boat and she controls them. She is controlling but not over me. The only thing she wins on is dating. Going out. I agree on doing that. Her other wants. No.

I’m not desperate.. I don’t cling. I chase then get, then burn. It’s a cycle of self destruction. It’s like I cannot trust, I cannot love and I cannot stop. I had this exact problem several times previously with women way younger than myself.

I don’t understand why.